Three Years After I Went Anti-Social…Media

Social Media as a Parenting Tool

I made a deal with my sons when it came to college. They can pick any college provided it was at least one time zone away from me. For me, this allows them to be young men, on their own without having a parent there to ‘save’ them. Makes them grow up. I remember the day I saw my first son jumping into a lake with a his fellow freshman on what would be his first day of his college tenure in Lugano, Switzerland. My second son took a more conservative approach and went to school in the mid-west instead. I was perfectly fine with this because I knew although they were physically far, they were basically close because of social media.

Social media was made for this; connecting friends, families, together. I, like many other parents used social media to keep close to our kids, friends and family. Social media platforms were a great tool for this. As the functional expanded and more and more people got on to these platforms, the world did in a way get smaller. It was fantastic and reassuring I could get connected to my sons quickly and know what they are up to, who they are with, where in the world they were. One would think, “how can we live without it?” That was the problem. Can we?

I started to realize how dependent I was to social media. I would find myself waking up to see what was happening in my virtual world. I would scramble when I would hear that famous iPhone ‘ding’ that we have a new notification. It felt like I was addicted. I did not like that feeling. I would look at a list of hundreds of friends and have no meaningful conversations with the majority of them. I started having this feeling four years ago.

Since that time, I have progressively and aggressively been weening off social media and have been basically off social media for the last three years or so. How so many friendships have changed. The mere definition of ‘friendship’ has been altered.

I started to have second thoughts about social media when I began to realize I was getting addicted to it. I started to wake up just to look my iPhone to see what had gone on in the ‘online social world.’ Like many, I had hundreds, maybe thousands of ‘friends.’ As the platform was designed, these ‘friends’ would share life experiences, food, travel, thoughts, opinions, everything, anything. In the beginning, of course, we are all curious, we want to see and know what others are doing, experiencing; the good parts of social. For me, especially having a son in college which was overseas, I used social media as a tool to track and make sure my son was safe (like many parents I am certain). I began to realize, I was getting addicted to knowing everything everyone else was doing and posting. Additionally, I found these platforms knew me and when it started to recommend people to me, although I thought it was fascinating, I also realized, well you know, there are some people I DO NOT want to know anything about me. As an introvert, this was starting to be very concerning to me. 

I started to think about how much I was actually sharing and what could I derive from that information if I wanted to do something malicious. I was away in Europe and was posting all of the places I was at with my family unknowingly letting anyone know that my homes were empty and the chances of me getting home would be at least hours if not days. Another time, I took a picture of my new luxury car, now everyone and their mother knows the car I drive and if they wanted to do something, well they know what I drive. The list goes on and on. I knew eventually this social media tool was actually doing more damage than good and I began my retreat to become anti social-media.

Disappearing Social Media ‘Friends’

I knew the best way to become anti-social media was to delete all of the social applications (Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, the list goes on). The only one I kept was LinkedIn because that to me has a direct focus. All others were gone. I deleted my accounts on those platforms as well. Essentially I ‘disappeared’ from the landscape. Those friends, my virtual friends, many of which I have never met in real life, quickly disappeared into the ether as quickly as they entered. Many of those friends who were not friends in real life, that connection closed once I deleted my accounts. 

So were these ‘friends’ really friends? In this new landscape, the answer would be ‘yes.’ We formed relationships even though they are online but different (if you are say old enough to remember when there were no mobile phones). Back then, you had to call and talk to people. We met up, had a drink. Blind dates were actually ‘blind.’ There was no rating system, no ranking of how many ‘anything’ you had or didn’t have. No one cared, no one (nor company) made money on the fact that you and someone else were going on a date. Each of us was an enigma to one another. We had to want to get to know you. Pretty analog.

My ’In Real Life’ Friends

It‘s pretty interesting having friends whom are on social media when you are not. I realized that even when you are not on social media, your real life friendships are also affected and mine definitely were.

Some of my closet friendships remained and barely changed. Those friendships that were based on having analog or face-to-face communication did not suffer. We used technology as a tool to communicate plans not as a substitute. While they still maintained their social media presence, we would talk about what is happening in the real world. Could not talk about the post from so and so nor how many people commented on someone’s picture. Those conversations were shallow and rang hollow to me. Many times, I would be quiet and just listen to my friends speak about a social media ‘event’ that took place; someone liking someone else’s boyfriends picture and the rant that came afterwards. I would sit in awe, wondering why people cared so much about that.

I did lose some real life friends which I thought was pretty crazy. These friends relationships have moved online (and with COVID-19, I could understand). Some of these friends could not understand why I was being so paranoid. Some others would ask me to log back in to actually see something (which I could not since I deleted my accounts). In some cases, we could not relate anymore. Our conversations were different; analog vs. digital, virtual vs. actual. We lost touch, virtually and literally. Social media became the de facto standard of communication for a generation and many, many others. Between Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp and others like it, if you are not on there, you are not ‘digitally alive.’ It is a shame really. Changing times changes paradigms, different perspectives. Friendship in the social media age changed everything, even the definition of ‘friend.’

Do I miss social media? Not at all. The tool that it technically is, I no longer trust with my information, my life. Yes, my friend space has become very small (unlike some folks whom have tens of thousands to tens of millions ‘friends’). I know I am in the minority and it is quite refreshing knowing that. I have no desire going back. It actually sounds selfish that I chose not to share my life with everyone and conversely not interested in watching you live your life through a screen. Life is too short, precious and unique for me to waste mine watching someone else’s. I share my life with those friends I know and hold dear, close to me. 

What I do miss, actual, physical friendship and human interaction. You see, to me, that is the only thing that is real that is left. No filters, plug-in’s, no animated GIF’s no filters. Just two humans enjoying each other’s company. Maybe I’m old school but I would not have it any other way.

To my friends, virtual or not, be safe and be well. I hope to see you again…in real life.